Talk With A Doc

Wellness Briefs: Hard Conversations with your Teens Pt 1 Transcript

Dr. Robin Henderson
So. The best things that you can do to help your children handle these conflicts is to normalize it. Finding
ways to listen. Be that vessel and reflective listener that can help people understand and have an
opportunity to process things. And we're the only offer solutions if you're asked.

Jennifer Semenza
Hello everyone and welcome to talk with the Docs Wellness Freeze, a podcast offering a quick dose of
healthcare information on a wide range of topics in just under 15 minutes. I'm Jennifer Seminza and here
with me today is Doctor Robin Henderson, chief executive behavioral health for Providence, Oregon, and
worked to be well, Chief clinical officer Work2BeWell as a mental health and Wellness program focused on providing mental health resources and education for teens and educators. On today's show, Doctor Henderson will be sharing her invaluable insight and practical advice on one of the most crucial aspects of parenting. Having those hard conversations with your teens, Doctor Henderson, welcome and thanks so much for joining us today.

Dr. Robin Henderson
Oh, Jennifer, thanks so much for having me. Looking forward to our conversation.

Jennifer Semenza
As am I today we're talking about having hard conversations with your teams and I now have two grown.
But I remember how hard it was to bring up certain topics, and I'm really excited for you to join us
because I know you're going to have a lot of personal wisdom and professional experience to share with
us, and I'm really hoping that you'll help parents recognize issues. And start these difficult conversations.

Dr. Robin Henderson
I'm here.

Jennifer Semenza
Teams today I know are are subjected to a lot of of new pressures that you know didn't exist just a few
years ago and they may not have the tools in place to deal with them. We've got anxiety and depression,
relationships and self esteem issues. I really want to begin our conversation by talking about something
that's probably more common than most people realize in teenagers and that getting depression. What
are some of the most common causes and how can parents recognize and address those signs of anxiety
and depression in their kids?

Dr. Robin Henderson
You know, parents know their kids best. And they see them in their natural. They see them in other areas
and they know when something's different. You could. When something's off with your kid. Their their
appetite has. Maybe their behaviour's related to? Sleep or exercise or even coming in the house and
being happy and excited to see you to being all of a sudden, sudden and depressed But what you're.
Really looking for is. Is it a change? Something. Is something different generally, that first indication that
you're dealing with? Maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's depression. Maybe something's going on at school
that you don't even know about. But what we know is that, especially as teens begin to age and all.
Hormones start raging. That's really where some of the first indications of anxiety and depression come
along. Most people. Obviously, if we're dealing with younger kids. We're looking at a different set of
circumstances. But really? Teenagers, we're looking. That dynamic between when they're starting to see.
Pretty hit and you're starting. See changes that that just don't feel right.

Jennifer Semenza
I know that there's probably a lot of different contributing factors, but are there common issues that
cause anxiety and depression in this age group?

Dr. Robin Henderson
You know, there's a number of different issues that can cause anxiety and depression. Can be changes at
the school environment. There's some bullying going. Perhaps there's issues related to changes in the
friend group, those types of situational things can cause anxiety and depression. Other things that can
cause anxiety and depression are changes in the learning. Environment. Perhaps they're in a class that
they're struggling. Perhaps they're not feeling that competence. They used to feel, and that ability to to
really understand what's going on in the classroom. Or it could. Something deeper, like an underlying
mental health disorder. We know that 75% of all mental health disorders present between the ages of 14
and 21. So we know that we're going to see a lot of kids who actually have anxiety as a diagnosis present
at that point. That's why it's really important when you start to see that something's not right. It's good
to make an appointment with your. Or primary. Provider and just get things checked out.

Jennifer Semenza
That's great, but I had no idea that the percentage was so high. Just incredible. Now Walk us through some. For opening a dialogue about mental health with your team.

Dr. Robin Henderson
I'm a big believer in car talks. One of. Things about a Car Talk is, you know you're driving somewhere, so
you're not necessarily having to look each other in the eye the entire time. Perhaps you're sitting side by
side, or somebody sitting in the back seat. Prefer both your side by side, but still when you're in that
you've got some time to kill and you're driving somewhere, opening up a dialogue about. Are you? You
know, gosh, it's been stressful lately, and you and you've seemed a little off, off, off. Is there something
going on at school but creating a safe environment free of distractions when you know that you're going
to have the ability to actually have a long enough conversation? Another great time can be in the
kitchen. I know when my family and my household kids would come into the kitchen while I was cooking
and we had. Lot. Conversations right there in. Kitchen while I was making dinner. And that's another
great place. It's just providing that safe space without distract. When you're ready.

Jennifer Semenza
I love the idea of car talks. Brilliant. What are some other good and and maybe not too obvious ways for
parents to just casually check in on their child or or their teens mental Wellness? How often should they
be checking in with them?

Dr. Robin Henderson
You know, it really kind of depends on your child. For some children, they need that daily check in and
maybe it's when you get up in the morning when you get home from school or or. You're getting ready to
go to bed. How you? I know you were struggling with this issue. It getting. Is it getting worse? But then
again, for other teens, that daily check in that can make you a hover mother and you want to be a hover
mother, do you? So really looking at at, you know what Cadence works for your child's needs and sorting
out. Oh, you know, I'm OK to check in every week, you know? We don't have to have this conversation all
the time. But other kids need that daily support.

Jennifer Semenza
So let's switch a little bit and talk about relationships. I know relationships for teams can can really carry
a lot of emotion and they may not know how to deal with those in a healthy manner. How can parents
teach their teams about building healthy relationships and and affected communication skills?

Dr. Robin Henderson
Well, the best teacher is a good example, and that's one of the things that we like to see. And we know
that not all teenagers come from a traditional family home with a A2 parent family or anything like that.
But really, how you handle? How you handle relationships and how you as a parent communicate? That's
really the best example to help teach effective communication skills. I could tell you that you know from
my own personal experience raising two teenagers yelling never works. So you know. Think about your
own tone of. Think about how you want to be communicated with. Use a lot of active listening and
reflective listening. So if your teen is actually talking to you. You know, be able to go in there and jump in
and reflect back what they're saying. Another big thing that parents tend to. And again, I'm guilty of this
is I tend to solutionize. I wanna come in and solve your problem and tell you exactly what it is you should
do and that is the wrong approach. What teams really need from us is to. Heard. Validated that what
they're feeling and what they're hearing and what they're experiencing is real.

Jennifer Semenza
Let's chat about advice that parents can give to their kids to handle conflicts and emotional challenges in
friendships and in those those first romantic relationships.

Dr. Robin Henderson
Those are always the fun ones when you come home and your kid is all amped up because they've
gotten into an argument with this friend on the volleyball team, or that friend on the basketball team,
the entire friend group has blown up and you're ready for a Or Evening. Listening. So the best things that you can do to help your children handle these conflicts is to normalize it. It often helps to share your own stories. Over share, but talk about how. Oh gosh, yeah, I
remember what that was like. You know, I remember when the new kid came in and everybody wanted
to hang out with them and. I felt like I was. And so when I realized I had to. Is maybe. Just needed to
jump back in or whatever the situation is, but finding ways to listen. Be that vessel and reflective listener
that can help people understand and and have an opportunity to process. Things and we're the only
offer solutions if you're asked.

Jennifer Semenza
That's great advice. What about toxic? How can a parent help their teen identify what what might be a
toxic relationship and and just, you know, help them identify what is a supportive relationship for a
friend versus what's not.

Dr. Robin Henderson
That's where. Gets a little bit tougher and I know that was something that my kids dealt with when they
were in high school and even in early college is having that that toxic friend. It can really help to keep
your own emotions out of it. It hurts to see our own children in a relationship that isn't healthy. For them
now, if the relationship is something that is domestically violent or abusive in any way, including
emotionally abusive, you've got to. That type of. A A step farther to really perhaps get them in with a a
trusted other adult. Other adults in their lives can be really helpful in dealing with toxic relationships
because they're not going to hear it from you. But they might hear it from a trusted aunt or uncle. They
might hear it from a coach. They might hear it from, you know, the school counselor, or they're going to
hear it from you. So remember that sometimes, especially with toxic relationships, the best person to
talk with. May not be you. But that doesn't mean that you don't need to deal with it and don't and don't
need to put out that support and to really have conversations. Another option is to also show them what
good relationships look like. For instance. You have somebody and and this is a true story. Back when my
kids were in high school, one of my son's friends was very homophobic and will make openly
homophobic com. And that was really offensive to my daughter. And we found an evening where we
were playing family game night and just kind of kind of talked it out. And the next thing you know, that
homophobic friend wasn't welcome at the House anymore. And it was a a Dec. All made together, so
finding a way to have a safe conversation. And really making making it normal to their friends we keep.
And there are friends that we outgrown. And that's OK.

Jennifer Semenza
Such important conversations to have. Body image and self esteem are often really interconnected and it
brings out a whole host of other emotional issues. What are some effective ways that we can talk to our
teams about body image and self esteem, especially in the age of social media? And how? Parents
encourage a positive self-image in their kids.

Dr. Robin Henderson
This is another great example of things that start well with us. How do we as parents view our own? How
do we how do we talk about our own? Do I refer to myself as being, you know, large and in charge or
fluffy, or really stick thin? Or what are the things that I say about body? How do I put that value out? In
the world. Do I do people in my household look at pictures of, you know, people with a six pack of abs
ago? Wow, that looks really great. Know, I know. Want that? What are the things that we do? Ourselves
around body image, but also being aware of what's going on in social media. Yeah, I am a firm believer
that we need to know what our children are seeing in the social media age, especially when they're first
getting into social media. So scrolling through with them and talking about how pictures can be altered,
how we often have we present our best selves on social media and that may mean we're using a filter or.
We're we're, you know, doing other types of things to alter our image and showing them how filters
work to say, you know, not everybody looks perfect when you take the filters off. Those types of things
can be really helpful to talk about body image in that way, but I think the other thing is to reinforce that
positive self talk all the time and resilience with our kids talking about you know, how they're how their
attributes are more than just. Physical selves, their emotional selves, all of the different parts of
themselves that make them who they are. It's not just about their bodies. But it really starts with us.
How we talk about ourselves.

Jennifer Semenza
That is, that is so, so true But. You for sharing that. How do parents navigate a situation where their child or teen might be getting
bullied online? I hate how common that is. You know, they could be getting bored because their parents
or or and for some of the reason they may. Just fit in. So how do? Navigate that.

Dr. Robin Henderson
The first place I start in a situation with getting bullied, I start with the school and start with the
conversation with the school counselor to see. Are they aware? They know that this is going on. What
are their strategies and how do they like to deal with it? Simultaneously, I want to educate my teen
around what are the resources and ways that we can deal with an online bully. How do you block
somebody on Instagram? How do you report their behavior? Because right now. Instagram's really
interested in hearing about that. There are other platforms like Discord and. And Tiktok and some other
places that parents may not be as familiar with, but understanding what's going on online and knowing
and helping them realize that there are resources they have. Don't have to listen to the bully. You can
turn off negative comments. All the good platforms have the ability to turn off turn off comments
altogether. If you've got a post that's gone viral and has, you know, all kinds of negative connotations in
it, turn off the comments. No one needs to read that. No one needs to hear what other people are
saying when they're being negative and piling on. But really, helping understand what your online
resources are. There's a lot of great information. Quick Google searches around bullying resources that
are all over the Internet that can help you know where to report. And what are some of the responses to
give? Instance my daughter used to belong to. She was a a gamer and she did a lot of online gaming and
sometimes people would get into online bullying in the forums around online gaming, and she and her
friends would go in when they saw somebody bullying someone and they would just flood the zone with
POS.

Jennifer Semenza
Yeah.
Dr. Robin Henderson
So they literally had a crew that just went in there and flooded the zone with positivity. If you see
someone getting bullied online, say something and flood them with positivity.

Jennifer Semenza
What a fantastic reaction. Amazing. Are there signs that parents should watch for when it comes to
these body image or self esteem issues becoming a bigger problem? Imagine things like, you know,
disordered eating, for example, or depression, even substance abuse to numb their feelings.

Dr. Robin Henderson
Absolutely. It goes back to when the first things that we talked about, Jennifer, when we were talking
about what has changed, has there sleep patterns changed, have their appetite changed? Have they?
Doesn't suddenly decided that they're going to be vegetarian or even vegan. Or something that is
different than what they're normally eating pattern is. Have they become restrictive in their eating? Are
they taking instead of taking their meals at the family dinner table? Are they going up to their room to
eat their meals and things like that? Those are the types of things that we need to look for and watch for.
And if you start to see either a rapid weight gain or you start to see somebody losing weight. Then it's
time really to go and see your primary care provider or your pediatrician and. You know, I'm concerned
about these. This is what I'm looking at. One of the things that we notice when the pandemic first
started, for instance, was there was a great increase. In youth with anorexia and bulimia, and it wasn't
because. Were a lot of. Kids who were becoming anorexic or bulimic. It was because the kids. At home.
And it was harder to hide their behavior because they weren't going to school during the day. So
knowing what's going on and watching. Those. Can help you intervene faster and the faster we intervene
and eat in disordered eating, for example, and in substance use disorders when we're dealing with a
substance use disorder, the faster we intervene and we intervene with honesty truth. Assistance. You
know, we're going to proactively go see someone. Going to talk with. We're going to do something. The
better their outcomes are going to be.

Jennifer Semenza
I have to tell you, I just had a mind blown moment when you mentioned kids becoming vegetarian and
and that being.

Dr. Robin Henderson
You know.

Jennifer Semenza
That was just one of many examples that. Gave. I all of a sudden just it completely changed how I am
processing a. With my own daughter. My youngest daughter, somebody at school, bet her she couldn't
be vegetarian for a week and the child went 3 1/2 years. So I thought that was an act of stubbornness,
but now I'm seeing it in a completely different light. That's really. Thank you for kind of, you know,
reshaping our our the way we process some of that information. Where can parents or teams get
additional information or or get help on these topics on mental health concerns?

Dr. Robin Henderson
Now you know one of my favorite parts to talk about work to be well. So work to be, well, work. The
number 2 bewell.org is a website that Providence has partnered with teens and it's all teen led
information about mental health well-being and all the topics we've talked about today. There are state
by state resources. That are free and that have been clinically vetted. Curriculum and conversation.
There's even an entire curriculum on how to have a tough conversation and some conversation starters
that you can use, and if you happen to be happen to be a teen listening to this. You too can use if you
need to. A tough conversation with your friend. So really going to work to be well, org, it's part of the
Providence family of resources is a great way to get started and to look for additional information.

Jennifer Semenza
And we will be sure to to link to those resources in our show notes as well because that was really our
fantastic resources. Is there anything we haven't talked about today that you want to make sure that that
we? Probably the biggest.

Dr. Robin Henderson
Thing that I want to make sure parents take away is to remember you're not perfect. You're going to
make mistakes. You're probably even going to. At your kid once in a while. And learn to forgive yourself,
because when you're able to forgive yourself and go back and apologize to your kid, do you know how
powerful that is? When when you have a bad communication with your kid and you go back and say, you
know what? I was having a. Stress day. I didn't handle things well and I. That's the best modelling ever to
help our youth understand that it's OK to make a mistake, especially in communicating or in a
relationship or whatever the situation is. And to take ownership and show them you can recover, you can
move on. The other big thing is when you're done talking about a topic, don't keep harping on it.

Jennifer Semenza
That can be.

Dr. Robin Henderson
Really difficult for kids to feel like we've worked through a really rough issue and then you keep bringing
it up or even better yet, you bring it up. Other relatives. That's the fastest way to destroy trust, and we
really need to think about how do we want to be treated in these relationships, is how our kids want to
be treated as well.

Jennifer Semenza
That's really insightful information. You, doctor. This was just a great conversation, really good
information. I really wish I would have had this available to help when my. Were teens. Thanks so much
for your time today.

Dr. Robin Henderson
You're. Thanks, Jennifer, and thanks for thanks for opening the door to talk about these difficult
conversations.

Jennifer Semenza
We hope you'll join us on our next episode where we continue the conversation with Doctor Henderson
as she guides us through some even tougher topics such as reproductive health, substance use and peer
pressure. Also want to thank our audience for joining us today on talk with the docs well. We look
forward to continuing the important conversations on health and Wellness, with more experts from
Providence and sharing our mission of help for a better. To get. Information on other important
healthcare topics, please subscribe to talk with the doc on your favorite podcast platform and. Social
media connect with us on Facebook, TikTok and Exeter, Providence and on Instagram and LinkedIn.
Under Providence Health Systems, to learn more about our mission, programs and services go to
Providence. For all of this and more, please download the Providence app on your smartphone and
Please remember the information provided during this program is for educational purposes only. Should
always consult your healthcare provider if you have any questions regarding a medical condition or
treatment. Thanks for listening.